Muscle March (Review)

Muscle March (Nintendo WiiWare)

Rated “MM” For “Massive Muscles”

Do you like people with big muscles? Do you like people posing? Do you like people with big muscles posing AND running? Then from the crazy country of Japan comes a protein induced game they call “Muscle March.”

=====Story=====

A thief comes by and steals you and your buddies’ protein. Strap on your speedo, bronze your skin, put the weights down, and get that protein back!

=====Gameplay=====

You and your muscular friends are running and posing through walls the whole time throughout the game as you chase after the series of thieves that you encounter. The thief will run through the settings you are in and crash through walls in the most muscular way possible, with a muscle flex. You must flex accordingly to fit your bulging biceps through the walls to continue forward. One by one, your training buddies will be out done by a potassium shell (banana peel) and it will be up to you in the end to catch the thief.

To make it through the walls, you must match the 1 of 4 manly/girly/bearly poses. Both arms up, both arms down, left up and right down, or left down and right up are all the poses that can be handled because anything more would be too manly. This is a free ticket to the one and only traveling gun show in the world. And once you finally get close enough, you’ll quickly shake your 24-inch pythons and make a muscular leap to stop the protein thief. Lucky thief may lose the precious protein, but will gain the greatest prize in the world of the most muscle filled dog pile.

=====Difficulty=====

There’s no weight requirement to join this most manly adventure. As long as you can flex, you can join the march. The only thing that may make you revoke your muscle membership to the march is the lag of power your arms produce. You are so strong that you scare your Wiimote and Nunchuk with every flex that it cowers in doing what you asked it to do. That helps produce sad muscle smiles especially once you go up against the villainous Mech-Muscle who can flex and speed with great ease causing you to smack through many walls until you are out of stamina.

=====Content=====

6 muscular men from around the world, 1 muscular woman (equality), and 1 muscular bear (nature equality) are your choices for muscular mayhem. Only a few worlds can contain your massive manly mass; City, Village, and Space. That’s right, even space has a hard time with your manliness/girliness/bearliness. 3 thieves in each area with each 3^rd thief being the manly Mech-Muscle with his muscular meat hooks on the valuable protein. Chase after the thieves of the muscle-mania tour that includes the likes of AN AMERICAN FOOTBALL PLAYER, NOBUNAGA, AND A ROBOT.

If that was too muscle-filled for you, THERE’S MORE! Bring friends along to join the flexing march and travel as far as you can on the manliest rainbow there ever was. Only a rainbow could endure the lengthy endurance test of your muscles running all over it.

=====Final Thoughts=====

Are you scared? You should be. There’s a lot of muscle thrown at your face. If the muscular men are too much for you, then just choose the muscular woman or muscular bear who are obviously there for more sex appeal. If your muscular pose lag registration is too much for you, you will want to end your march sooner than later as the novelty will slowly give you saggy sad muscle smiles. If you like quirky Japanese music and silly environments, bring your muscles. If you like watching your friends flex to impress, join the march.

Rated 3 out of 5

Launch Trailer

Radical’s Dreams Review (was reviewed before US release)

Bytejacker Review